runaway emotions

oh my heart aches
the way it beats
thrashing madly
complaining about the injustice
begging to be set free

I can’t control
it’s demands or it’s desires
and I fear it’s not quite done
longing for you just yet

and I wish I remembered
how to build the walls
that were skillfully set in place
before you came along

* apologies for the abundance of poems about breaking up but that seems to be the only “emotion” I feel comfortable “publishing” at the moment. I’ve written about other things but I don’t think I’m ready to have eyes on those pieces yet * but thank you for reading these poems. I can’t promise every poem will be good (these are often first drafts) or understandable. *

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a side of longing

I am full of longings
that I never fully understand.

I want things that
are just out of my grasp.

I want, I want, I want.

I want what I need.
I want what I deserve.

there are the feelings
I kept inside for years
buried deep within
the expectations
and the cutting words
said to me.

and you are gone
and they are brimming
to the surface
begging to be set free

battle scars

battle scars
they are tangible
evidence that you were here
once so long ago
that these former wounds
are woven neatly
into the vast expanse of my skin
permanently
and the stories connected
have disappeared from
recent memory
and can only be recalled
by the barest scattering of words
but accompanied by
a deep flood of emotions
as if the scars themselves
hold them deep
within the ruined tissues
that escape violently
when thoughtlessly prompted
by an innocent touch
or a harmless question.

private heartache

this is a quiet heartache
no tantrums or fights
no last minute declarations
or the drama of years past

there were some tears
mostly private
kept in secret along
with my deep seated fears

there’s a way I miss you
different from before
a way that doesn’t stop
my world or rock me to my core

it’s subtle the way I’m torn
cannot put to accurate words
the thing that died, and I’m
left with pieces that I quietly mourn

this ending of something
that spanned a phase or two
a life that was carved out
for me and you

its maddening how I love you still
poisoning my heart
against all reasoning
against my will

this is a quiet heartache
I don’t speak your name
or ask about your life
I pretend you don’t exist
but hope you don’t do the same

the sum of the relationship

this is the way
you pulled me away
from the miseries of the uncertain days-

you were kind
and patient
bracing yourself
for the storm inside my mind

I forgave you a time or two
after bitter wars and peace treaties
you promised to be a better man
and I had faith in you

there were genuine questions
not enough answers
but enough smiles
to weather our quiet frustrations

there is a day when it ends
for reasons not concerning
the sickness inside my head
and though it I cannot bear it
you insisted on remaining friends

quietly I managed the ache
that followed the days into weeks
and it all seeps onto words
that captured how my heart breaks

now I am free
these days are still uncertain
but without the burden of my misery

the finish line

this reason is
one of a thousand lies
to escape your lips

a turn of phrase
a lie of omission
a million rationalizations

its reckless
how you destroyed me
and everything in our path

in a matter of moments
without good reason
for the thrill
of a few beats

and it was over before
it began
and we are
the race that ends
just before the finish line

grief

you’re so far now
that I can’t conjure
you in an instant

there are questions
and the careful answers
that are hiding the truth
disguised as grief
and the aching sting
of disappointment

perhaps I imagined you
and our brief time
together — the open spaces
that we could not fill
with meaningful words
linger still

what time we did have
was not enough

and your ghost cannot
communicate beyond
my guilt and what was
discovered before it appeared

mercy

it’s an immediate betrayal
the way the mind operates
when it malfunctions
turning and twisting around
thoughts at random
without reason
and plunging deeper into
irrational emotions and
negative feelings and
pulsing highs and lows.
subject to the whims of changing moods
without explanation
without control
trapped