an open letter…

I fell off the face of the earth or rather I crawled under my blankets. I know depression is de rigueur but this is something I have been suffering with almost 15 years. If anyone has known me long enough, they can put the pieces together if they wanted to: erratic appearances, disappearing acts, the weight gain… but I’m trying not to hide anymore. With that said, here is the first piece I’ve written in a loooooong while. I’m rusty but enjoy!

An Open Letter to My Major Depressive Disorder

You came as though I summoned you from the dark recesses of my mind. Was I thinking that my life was going so well… too well when you showed up? It feels that way. I can’t remember waiting for the other shoe to drop but in hindsight (clouded by dark days and a mix of this pill and that pill) I think I was.

I heard the drop though. Don’t know what happened next. Perhaps it hit me on the head and I decided to sleep (my cure for all ailments) and when I stirred I knew that I was stuck. I felt the warm embrace of the blankets and the dead empty feeling enclose my thoughts and I knew: here you are.

It takes awhile to fully acknowledge you though. Days go by in darkness. I eat nothing or too much. I marathon sleep or watch the sun rise, go down then up again. There is no moderation. I can’t focus. I don’t think. Time does not exist. It is just me and you. 

you steal everything from me and I feel helpless to stop you. you are often stronger than I am and the many years prove this. you learn new techniques so old strategies no longer work. you are always first on the list on the medical chart but the following codes vary each time you show up so the pills change yet you feel the same.

you are unpredictable yet I know you best. I know how to feed you, how to give you most of me (but not all – all is dangerous because it is permanent) and I know that we are doomed to do this dance forever.